Whatever works
It’s worth it to hike to the summit when this is your reward. (Image by 畅 苏)
Years ago, my sister tricked her kids into eating broccoli by passionately pleading, “Please don’t eat my trees!”
They gleefully stuffed vegetables into their mouths while she wailed, “Noooo! Where will all the birds live?”
At a family dinner recently, I tried this on another nephew, age three, who was reluctant to continue his meal when there were so many other interesting things to do. I’m pleased to report that it worked instantly and repeatedly. He got that look on his face like, “Oh, we’re playing a game here,” and joined me in the improv comedy, eating all the food on his plate.
People don’t like it when I use the word trick, as in “I trick kids into liking math,” or “I trick myself into writing on the weekend by keeping the exact same routine as a weekday,” or “I trick students into being good listeners by praising them for being good listeners.” The word “trick” implies a deception of some kind — a sleight of hand. And deception implies a lack of integrity.
I’m not sure I would call this deception. I would call it playing. There’s no lack of integrity. Rather, it’s theater. Like a magic show or a stage hypnosis — or an improv comedy sketch — it’s a “deception” all players agree to participate in.
For example, at another time, another nephew (I have a lot of nephews) was reluctant to change out of his pajamas and get dressed for the day. I played the motorcycle sound on my phone and told him that I was setting the timer. Could he be dressed by the time the motorcycle alarm went off? Without a word, he sprang into action. I have never seen anyone get dressed so fast. The trick — the game, the sense of theater — was enough to motivate him.
Still, not everyone is comfortable with this. Shouldn’t we learn to do something because it is the right thing to do, without relying on a trick? Shouldn’t the intrinsic value of a task be enough?
That would be nice, but we are human beings. We aren’t very good at thinking in the long term. We balk at doing the right thing when it’s solitary, repetitive, or uncomfortable. The promise of a payoff “someday” only goes so far. We crave a bit of companionship, novelty, and fun. Why not work some of those elements into a task or project in order to improve our chances?
The Montgomery Bus Boycott made use of a bit of peer pressure in order to be successful. Vaping, though much maligned, entices smokers away from emphysema and cancer with its cotton candy and caramel flavors. And I use podcasts and phone calls to get me through the process of folding laundry. There are countless ways we can manipulate ourselves and others for the greater good.
Sometimes, it can be exhausting. “I don’t want to play a game right now — I just want you to brush your teeth and go to bed!” But power struggles are even more exhausting, and trying to get someone to do what we want simply because they should is the very definition of a power struggle. That path isn’t necessarily the neutral one. Bringing a sense of theater to the proceedings, even if it’s a little subversive (“I bet you can’t even brush your teeth by yourself.”) might actually be easier and take less energy in the long run.
Our moralistic attitudes can go pretty deep; we can find these “shoulds” embedded in unexpected places. When we are willing to embrace whatever works, without judgment, in our quest to raise and educate children and move smoothly through our own lives, we are likely to have better results, better relationships, and a lot more fun.