No one is to blame

Art, or mess? (Image by H Cannon)

When my niece was about four, she grew frustrated in the middle of trying to write something.

“This is the [most] tewwible W I’ve evew seen!” she said angrily, shoving her paper across the table.

I felt bad for thinking about how cute she was. Of course I knew just how she felt. I’ve had my own version of “This is the tewwible W I’ve evew seen.”

Is it her parent’s fault that this little girl was putting pressure on herself at such a young age? People like to blame parents for everything. Of course, if we decide not to blame parents, we can blame the school system, society, organized religion, the government, late-stage capitalism, white supremacy, or the patriarchy.

But what if no one is to blame? What if this is just how we are? What if part of what we have to learn, as human beings, is to tolerate the indignity of not being able to do things perfectly on our first try?

It makes sense that we would have to learn patience and self-compassion, along with generosity toward ourselves and others. Even if all of our needs are met as newborns, we start wanting more things as we begin to discover the world. And we can’t have all of them. We can’t have the world exactly the way we want it once we start wanting more than sleep, nourishment, and clean diapers.

Nor can we be exactly who we want to be. It’s a rough blow to discover that it will take time and effort to learn a musical instrument, ride a bike, or perfect your handwriting despite the fact that other people seem to do these things so easily.

That pressure to perform comes from within, not without. While some one-year-olds are easygoing and unbothered by their inability to build a block tower to their specifications, others are outraged and furious at the injustice of gravity. If we want to blame it on mom or dad, it would be their genes we would hold accountable, not their behavior.

And sometimes, not even genes can explain who people turn out to be. “You said a bad word, Mommy,” said a friend’s preschool daughter.

“Oh? What did I say?” said her mother, a laid-back, amiable person much like her husband.

“You said don’t,” replied her non-laid-back child. Indeed, the worst of all words, for those who want to live without the chains and fetters of other people’s expectations.

There’s nothing wrong with not being laid-back. There’s nothing wrong with having high expectations (except for the discomfort of not meeting them). When I suggest that no one is to blame for these traits, I’m not blaming the individual who has them, either. We don’t have to beat ourselves up for what we want or the way we are. We may have to learn to deal with the way we are, but that’s an inevitable part of our growth and development as human beings.

As a longtime teacher and coach, here’s what I know: Every single one of us has to learn how to live, learn how to learn, and master ourselves. Some of us struggle more in some areas than others, but no one is born knowing how to do it all. The process is easier if we accept that it’s a universal experience, though the specifics may differ.

As we gain knowledge and skills, the frustration of incompetence gives way to the satisfaction of mastery. The more we understand that we aren’t doing something wrong when we can’t do something right the first time, the less we will be burdened by the suffering caused by blaming ourselves. It’s no one’s fault. Of course, it’s okay to be mad about it anyway.