Maslow's hierarchy in realtime

There’s always a reason for someone’s behavior.

Another saying of my uncle’s is, “No one behaves badly because they feel so good.”

In other words, if someone is acting like a jerk, they probably feel awful.

Unpacking this can get very complex and require the assistance of a trained professional. But for kids, it’s often much simpler: They’re hungry, tired, or they need a hug.

Good old Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs can be seen as the blueprint for the lifelong pursuit of self-actualization, but it can also be interpreted in a much more practical way: “I’ll realize my personal creative potential right after I have this sandwich.” Satisfying our needs doesn’t have to be an epic, one-way hero’s quest. As it turns out, we humans do a lot of jumping around in the hierarchy.

But in the moment where a kid is in what one mom calls “limp noodle mode,” it would be great to get him off the floor — forget about seeing him achieve his life’s purpose. So what is the unmet need? Food? Sleep…or caffeine? Love?

Understandably, a lot of us adults, being humans with our own particular needs, grow impatient in these moments. It’s easier to jump to, “You know what you’re supposed to be doing — please just do it!” instead of taking the time to figure out what’s going on with the limp noodle.

But if we can approach the struggling kid with empathy, we are not only being good problem-solvers, we’re also potentially meeting some higher-level needs: Safety, security, trust, belonging, and friendship. All by simply demonstrating that we care enough to ask what’s going on.

Time and time again, when I’ve had the patience to approach wayward students by asking, “Hey, you seem to be having a hard time…what’s up?” I’ve been rewarded with surprisingly mature insights:

“I was up in the middle of the night and I couldn’t get back to sleep.”

“I didn’t have breakfast because I woke up too late, and now I can’t concentrate.”

“I had a fight with my mom.”

I’ve also learned over the years that when a student is unable or unwilling to share what’s going on in their head, it’s often an even higher-level struggle:

They are angry with themselves for forgetting their homework.

They are afraid they are stupid because they don’t understand the assignment they’re working on.

Their friend told them something upsetting and they are struggling with whether to betray their friend’s trust and tell an adult.

In such times, the hugs may still help, even if they don’t solve the problem directly. I’ll admit that I disagree with Maslow there: I believe love is the foundation for everything else.

Love…but snacks definitely help.