How to help your children take ownership of their schoolwork

You could try to hack away at it. Or you could melt it. (Image by Eknbg)

Over the next few weeks, most American children will return to some kind of school.

For many, there will be a return to the misery of this past spring, when solitary worksheets replaced meaningful connection and challenge.

For others, however, misery has always been endemic to the school experience, pandemic or no. An assignment isn’t going to get done unless mom or dad are sitting there, managing the process like they’re trying to pull a pickup truck out of a ditch (with all of the exertion and feelings of frustration and inadequacy that implies).

For these families, “homeschool” in any form is a nightmare. “Homework” was hard enough.

There’s hope. We can take a different approach that makes a pleasant family life possible. Let’s leave aside elementary school students, for whom lessons might be better integrated into daily life and play, and high schools students, whose habits are more firmly entrenched. Let’s talk about those middle schoolers, whose work habits are just being formed.

Many middle schoolers are too young and immature to understand why they should do schoolwork and how it benefits them in the long term. We can try to share this information, but the idea of success in high school, college, and an eventual career is pretty abstract to a twelve-year-old. Instead, we can focus on how doing their schoolwork benefits them today.

There are a few benefits, some of which will appeal to some students more than others. They might spark to the idea that they are building up their brains — i.e., getting smarter. They might be pleased to find that getting their work done on time means smoother relationships with their teachers and parents.

Another powerful benefit is peace of mind. I have seen that kids who tend to procrastinate are intrigued by the idea that they might actually enjoy an evening with no work hanging over their head. They are unfamiliar with this feeling, having never experienced it; once they realize it’s possible, they begin to do the work. They discover feelings of pride and satisfaction in crossing things off the list.

However, a student cannot become this conscientious if they don’t have the space. If their parents care more about their work than they do, any autonomy and self-efficacy is stripped away. They may do their work out of a sense of duty, but this requires the parents’ continual involvement to fuel the cycle.

Thus, the strange, perverse, and unfamiliar thing that I ask parents to do to support their children in taking ownership of their own schoolwork is to back off.

You might still provide a reward for the work getting done (for instance, video games must be earned through the completion of one’s work). You can still give tech support and other counsel when it’s asked for. But you get to go and have your own life. You’ve already done seventh grade — it’s your kid’s turn now.

When you signal to your child that you believe in their ability to do their own work — to not only learn the content, but to complete the assignments — your child has a clear path to rise to the occasion. She may fail at first. There may be temper tantrums when the screen time is not earned, but that doesn’t have to ruin your day. You can have a nice cup of tea and put on some music. She will learn that it’s her job to do her schoolwork, not yours. And she can learn how good it feels to follow through on her own commitments.

The ideal situation is to have a school that supports kids as they develop their autonomy. Your child’s teachers should understand that sometimes, it’s two steps forward and a step back. When parents and teachers are aligned in their expectations, the student has appropriate support and encouragement from all sides, which helps them grow and transform.

In my school programs, we want to see a student’s own work. We want to see what they can do without intervention. If it isn’t a whole lot, that becomes our starting point. After all, two or three years from now, a cherubic little guy will be a lanky high school student — nearly an adult. Is mom going to be his secretary all the way through? How will he learn to do his work for himself? It’s best to wean him off of this over-involvement when the stakes are lower.

When teachers can meet a student where he is — which may, indeed, be a low level of function — they can, ideally, design assignments that are doable for him, on his own. These wins help him to feel better about himself and his work and create a virtuous cycle wherein he begins to seek greater challenges. He is not going to do that with you sitting next to him, especially when you’re (understandably) impatient and bored.

Your job will be to provide the appropriate structure at home — a time and place to work, snacks, and rewards for when they work is complete (which is a better framing than “consequences” for failure to complete one’s work). It’s great if you can communicate with your child’s teachers. Other than that, feel free to do your own thing. You’re not responsible for your child’s grades — their work is not a reflection of you or your success as a parent. Your children’s work must be their own. Then, they can take pride in it — and take it farther than you ever expected.